The following transcription is from the pen (floppy disk, actually) of Dave Burnham - thanks Dave!
Roy and Nick on Tommy Boyd's show for BBC Southern Counties Radio, broadcast after the Brighton gig around 11.45pm from Marlborough Place in Brighton.
RH: "We've got a stage high, which isn't the normal condition you'd interview someone, at 3 O'clock in the afternoon, in." (Nick blows a little bugle-like fanfare through his lips.)
TB: "No. I think it's much better if people are high. I like the adrenaline thing."
RH: "It's not just adrenaline though, there's a whole sort of landscape in front of me when I get on a stage..."
TB: "It's very moreish." (I don't think he's referring to Spanish architecture.)
RH: "...there's hills and valleys and rivers and streams..."
TB: "Is it therapeutic, ultimately, performing?"
RH: "I think it's kept me alive for a long time. If it hadn't been for the exercise that I get, on stage, I'd be much worse off physically, I think. It's not that I prance around alot. It's just that you have to take in air, and alot of it. Sometimes its very bad because it's a thick smoky club or whatever."
NH: "It's quite exhausting...opening and stuff."
RH: "You're really working. So if you work hard for a couple of hours a day like that, at least there's part of you that's fit. You know, your feet are going up and down...there's a lot of muscles you use in the body, strangely enough, sat down playing the guitar."
TB: "But isn't there also...oh, by the way, you're tuned to BBC Southern Counties Radio and we're talking to Roy Harper and his...boy...um...I knew you were coming in and I've forgotten your name."
RH: "NICK."
NH: "NICK." (Nick gets his own back later.)
TB: "Nick...sorry Nick...thanks Nick...I'm Tom by the way."
NH: "Tom...hi there."
RH: "My Doctor's called Tom."
TB: "It's a sort of Doctor-ish name isn't it?"
NH: (Disparagingly) "Mmmmmmmmm."
TB: "I wanted to be called Wolfgang, or something."
RH: "Or Gulliver."
TB: "Did you choose 'Nick'?"
NH: "Nicholas."
RH: "Yeah, he sort of came out with pointed ears."
TB: "You weren't tempted to be a little more abstract?"
RH: "Old Nick."
NH: (Quietly) "Old Nick."
TB: "You didn't toy with anything?"
RH: "No...I actually...with one of my other children, I called him Benjamin Franklin Ethelwolf."
TB: "That's good...Ethelwolf...did you there, you see."
RH: "Ethelwolf was Alfred's father."
NH: (Quietly, and probably referring to Ben) "Poor Bastard."
RH: "Alfred was the fourth son...or was he the fifth son? Fourth, I think. He was a bit down the line; didn't expect ever to be King. He was sent to Rome, as the youngest son, and educated...what a mistake, to educate a King... Damn."
TB: "They never learn."
NH: "Alfred didn't do too badly... Mind you, he taught himself."
RH: Yeah, he was actually the founder of our language, of course."
TB: "Is that right? Well I did not know that."
RH: "Well if Guthrum (not sure if I've spelt that right) and the rest of the Danish hordes had overrun us at that point, we'd now be... (bizarre and loud Scot's accent) HOW DO YOU DO JIMMY, AYEEEEE."
TB: "Well, that's back to therapy. That's primal scream therapy, that one."
RH: "Yeah, well it's actually quite common in Scandanavia..."
TB: "Having a good old shout is good for you as well isn't it?
RH: "...it's the old social contract they've got over there, with each other."
TB: "I was reading some stuff about you, we get sent documents, don't we, explaining all the backgrounds of people you're looking forward to interview if you work on the radio."
RH: "Right."
TB: "You've had an interesting life."
RH: A chequered career."
TB: "Is that what you'd call it?"
RH: "That's what they said when I left school. (Nick laughs) Things haven't changed very much. (Laughs)
TB: "But you've had all sorts of ups and downs, haven't you?"
RH: "Yes... But do you know what they said on my last school report? Has been seen in the vicinity of the school recently." (All laugh)
TB: "I can't beat that, but I did have a biology teacher who said 'Gary should pay more attention in class'.....my name's Tom."
RH: (Laughing) "Oh Right! Actually, my first year's pretty good as well. My maths teacher said 'When he doesn't fiddle in ink wells or daydream, which is rare, he has shown some ability'."
TB: "Good report that. Would you have wanted a better one?"
RH: "No...it's pretty good isn't it?"
TB: "Did you want 'Works hard and fastidiously'?"
RH: "There were points in time at which it would have been desirable, but then I saw the blinding light. I was on the road to Damascus at the time."
TB: "Nick...(another fanfare from Nick)...you've got a Dad who a lot of us, in fact probably all of us at some stage, particularly when we were teenagers and things...really wanted a Dad who was different."
NH: "Yeah... So did I." (Laughs all round)
TB: "That was good. We don't have to explain that you do comedy in your act as well as sing."
RH: (Laughing) "It's one long...yeah it is, it's a laugh, a good laugh."
NH: "Now this is my Dad here... And he's my Dad. We have the same ups and downs as any dad/son relationship... I guess."
TB: "Yeah, except you're prepared to talk about it."
NH: "Yeah we did."
RH: "Which family doesn't cut each others throats?" (Nick and Roy pretend to beat seven shades out of each other interspersed with slaps and "You bastard...Fff...Get 'im...You Fff...")
NH: "OKAY."
TB: "We get the gist of that. Thank you for perhaps one of the most explicit..."
RH: "Graphic detailed."
TB: "...demonstrations of domestic rivalry."
NH: "Do you want your shoe back?" (Roy laughs)
TB: "Um...so where was I? I was completely thrown there (Roy and Nick crack up) and can you blame me?"
RH: "Well, you can become the third Mistake Brother if you want. (Laughs)
NH: "I 'spose it was good... Yeah... It was a bit of kudos at school, with your mates... You know, ya Dad's off; but I didn't see enough of him, for my personal emotional needs."
RH: "Neither did I. I was in some kind of delirium between 20 and 40."
TB: "Do you know what it says about you in one bit of paper I read? It said you had 'A self-induced nervous breakdown.' Do you ever get to read these things?"
RH: "That's pretty good isn't it? Self-induced nervous breakdown. Actually I can have one of those every day."
NH: "I was gonna say... That's your weekly."
RH: "No, that's my fortnightly... No, no it's my forte... Travel Lodge... (manic laughter all round)... Sorry."
TB: "Are you enjoying yourself?"
RH: "Err...are you recording this?"
TB: "The psychiatrist is in. It's going out live, you knew that... Um"
RH: (Laughing) "Yes, I did actually."
TB: "Good, that's alright then. Just checking..."
RH: (Quietly) "Checking, checking."
TB: "...and what else? I tell you what, whilst I find the other particular thing that I wanted to bring up with you... Have we missed you now? If... Um... Yes we have, haven't we. You're in Brighton tonight."
RH: "Yes."
TB: "And then you're off..."
NH: "Colchester."
RH: "Colchester tomorrow."
TB: "Yes... Why are you coming here then? You've got nothing to plug."
RH: "I've got no idea... It was really silly..."
TB: "You've got no reason to be here"
RH: "...there were lots of..."
TB: "You could be on your way to Colchester now..."
RH: "No, we could be back in the dressing room, drinking my Holsten Pils."
TB: "...drinking your Holsten Pils."
RH: "Right."
NH: "Well let's plug The Gary Show."
TB: "That's a good idea."
NH: "Tom."
TB: "Exactly...he's..."
RH: "Let's plug The Tom Show... Gary." (Nick laughs)
TB: "...he sleeps in..."
RH: "He's getting his lines wrong again."
TB: "He sleeps in the knife box, yer boy does." (Alluding to the Nick Wit)
NH: "Duddlah DA Da Da da da Da Umpf." (Music hall punch line style)
TB: "What are your songs like? As ever?"
RH: "Yeah...more or less."
NH: "I think they're better."
RH: "Do you? ...oh... I was thinking they were just that tiny bit... better... Yeah."
NH: "Yeah."
RH: "I think... Just maybe. They could be worse though..."
NH: "They're a little bit faster."
RH: "They are aren't they. I keep asking them to be..."
NH: "Definitely."
RH: "Yeah, that's right... So maybe they'll get really quick."
NH: "Yeah."
RH: "We'll be able to do more of them, and the set'll end..."
NH: "Uh huh."
RH: "...and we'll be able to go home before we've started."
NH: "Marvellous... What a marvellous idea... (Roy and Tom laughing) ...and we could do the radio show the week before."
TB: "Very good. Sorry, have you lifted that from in between two songs, or did you make that up as you went along?"
RH: "No, this is complete..."
NH: " 'E's makin' it up as 'E goes along!"
RH: "...fabrication."
TB: "You can't do that, you'll be in broadcasting at that rate." (Roy and Nick laughing)
RH: "Do you realise there's some people listening to this?"
NH: (In mock disbelief) "Naah... You fools, you fools... You can't be serious."
RH: "The songs are... I guess the songs are... Um... We did some old stuff tonight, there were lots of old songs. Usually there's one or two new ones, but I've got a big project ahead at the moment. It started off as The Seven Ages of Man, but... You know... I got to 243 and I gave up. It's now called Songs of Love and it's probably gonna be about an hour long, split into 15 minute pieces, to allow the audience to participate with their hands... Now and again..."
NH: "Participate with the porcelain."
RH: "...or with other parts of their body..."
TB: (Enthusiastically) "Mmmmmm."
RH: "...whichever they wish to... You know... Perform with."
NH: "Steady."
RH: "Steady."
TB: "Steady."
RH: "Steady... This is the BBC, steady on... And I think it'll be about an hour long and I think that I'm gonna pull all kinds of people into how... We make... I think it's gonna be a really... It's gonna be one of my better efforts. 'Cos I feel like it!"
NH: "A collaboration."
RH: "A huge collaboration with the rest of the Martians here."
TB: "I'm just looking down your biography again, which fills six / seven pages, and there's nothing wasted either. ('Spaced' possibly) It says here that you used to spend most of your time being... This is in 1964..."
RH: "Can I read the News tonight?"
TB: "Would you like to?"
RH: (Laughing) "Yes."
TB: "I don't know if it's actually physically possible, because the News comes from our News studio..."
RH: "Ah, right."
NH: "Gruce Brobbelaar."
RH: "Maybe I could interrupt."
TB: "Well would you like to make the News up?"
RH: "Yes."
TB: "Okay."
RH: "Today in Parliament nobody turned up..."
TB: "Are you gonna ad lib it?" (Roy cracks up)
NH: "Gruce Brobbelaar asked Douglas Hurd some questions in the house..."
TB: "I'll cue you... Wait... Wait... Okay, here we go... (Typical local-radio-leading-to-the-news-type-music starts)... Put your headphones on."
RH: "Oh...right." (If the headphones are still the same as the last time I was in the studio, they're these ancient bakelite jobs)
TB: "This is a spoof News bulletin, courtesy of Roy Harper and Nick Harper. It's about two minutes ahead of the actual News bulletin and I'll introduce it properly, alright?"
RH: "Right."
TB: "Are you ready?"
RH: "Yes, okay."
TB: "Do you want the bed as well, as they say."
RH: (Laughing) "The bed... Hee, hee, hee."
TB: "This is a fake News bulletin, the real News bulletin is coming up. I have to say things like that, because there is a listener in Southend who's stupid enough to think that your news is the real News... (the music continues)... Here we go... Make it nice and authoritative."
RH: "I... Yes... I'll be... Yes."
TB: "I'll cue you... The build up is usually longer than the News, by the way."
'Voice-over Man' on the tape announces: "In Guildford, Hove, Wadhurst, Horsham, Camberly, Petworth and Rye. This is BBC Southern Counties Radio." (The music finally finishes)
TB: "Your Newscasters, Roy and Nick Harper."
RH: "Good evening... Er... (goes into wacky American accent) ..Coming to you from downtown Billingshurst." (Laughs)
NH: "Live at the speed of sound folks."
RH: "Well, today Gruce Brob...ga...ah...ga...da... (Nick has hysterics) ...Bruce Grobbelaar let in more than three own goals."
NH: "And reports are coming in of him spending ALL his bribe money on questions to be fielded on The Gary Show. You're listening to The Gary Show, and this is the News."
RH: "And Tom will be speaking to you in a minute... Er... Anyway I think he let in a hamburger stand as well... What do you think about that? That's a silly piece of News isn't it?"
TB: (Whispering furtively) "Weather, weather."
NH: "And now the weather. There will be no weather tonight."
RH: "No, the Planet has stopped turning round..."
TB: "I preferred that, didn't you? I'm just speaking to the Producer."
Producer: "Oh God... Hold on."
TB: "The Producer's never..."
Producer: "What's that?"
TB: "He's always..." (Roy cracks up)
Producer: "What?"
NH: "PRODUCE, PRODUCE!"
Producer: "I'm producing."
TB: "...he's always doing his toenails..."
Producer: "I've just given up quite frankly...it's a hopeless cause, I've been trying..."
TB: "Do you not think that was better than the real thing? Nothing against Danielle, who's standing by in our studio..."
Producer: "Well her name's Daniella."
TB: "Daniella... I'm sorry, I knew that." (Roy chuckles)
Producer: "No, it wasn't really."
TB: "Oh alright, fair enough."
RH: "Oh alright."
NH: "Naaah."
Producer: "I think she does a much better job."
TB: "I'll introduce the proper News then."
Producer: "What are you trying to do to me? Are you trying to finish me off? Get my P45 on the table now?" (Roy and Nick chuckle)
TB: "Goodnight Alistair."
RH: "He's trying to..."
NH: (Sings) "D A N I E L L A" (As in '...the wind cried M A R I A')
RH: "...his P45... What... (comes in very close to the microphone) ...what are you talking about?"
TB: "Here comes the News. Roy and Nick, thank you for being a breath of fresh air."
RH: "Yeah, well thank you Tom... I mean..."
NH: "Thank you for being Gary."
RH: "...I mean Gary."
TB: "Will you come by next time?"
RH: "Yes, great... We will. We'll bring our guitars and... You know..."
NH: "And our sledgehammers."
RH: "...and we'll make a real (starts laughing) nuisance of ourselves."
NH: "We'll make the News!"
TB: "Now go and get that Holsten Pils."
RH: "Thanks Tom."
TB: "Thank you boys."
RH: "Yeah."
NH: (Impatiently inquisitive) "Where's Daniella then?"
TB: "Err... She's in our News studio... (Nick utters a strangely guttural noise of excitement) ...just 60 miles away, so luckily you can't pull her..."
RH: "Oh damn."
NH: (Dissappointedly) "Aaauuuugh."
The real news begins and Roy and Nick leap into Matt's van and whizz back to The Gardner Centre leaving Tom and his producer boggled.
Last updated: Sat Jan 16 09:35:10 GMT 2010